I was getting ready to publish a new post and as I hit the publish button my browser decided it didn't want to go ahead with it and I lost the entire post, there was absolutely no record of what I'd spent about 40 minutes writing. That right there seems to sum up my brain this month.
Most of the time I feel like I'm playing catch up to this life thing. I know I'm in a better place than I was a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago, etc. That being said it feels like I can't get ahead more often than not. Each day something new presents itself that I wasn't expecting and the only option I have is to adapt and press on.
This time last year I felt as though I was quite literally loosing my mind. The world I'd known my entire life had just imploded after a series of unexpected events. From 14 Jul to 2 Aug I'd experienced more than I thought I was capable of handling. During that time my Dad had a stroke, a week later my Grandma (my Dads mom) died, a week later my Dad had a 2nd stroke, and a week later my Dad died. I'm the only child my Dad had so I was trying to navigate everything I needed to do with him and was relying heavily on his older sister to help me figure it all out because she was dealing with everything with my Grandmother. I was lost and had no idea what to do. Fast forward to October and I legit thought I was loosing my mind. I can't count the number of times my boyfriend found me on the floor in the bathroom curled into a ball crying, or on the shower floor curled up crying with no water running, in an empty bathtub curled up crying, on the floor of the closet curled up crying, you get the idea.
I finally sought the help of a medical professional and found out that trauma of that level actually alters the make up of your brain so feeling as though I was going crazy wasn't just in my head, chances are it was actually happening. I was losing the brain I'd had and getting accustomed to a new brain. This was around the same time I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder which I'd suspected I had for years.
Meanwhile my son and boyfriend had a front row seat to my descent further and further down insanity lane. My son learned a lot during this time. He saw that despite how bad things get you can continue, you can fight and come out on the other side even when you don't think you can. He saw me battle daily and saw me come out on the other side. He actually asked me today if I still thought about his Pop (my Dad) and if I was still sad and missed him. I told him I thought about and missed my Dad every day, that I would give anything to have him back but that I'd gotten better at dealing with him being gone. That I knew he wouldn't want me stay in the hole I was in because he was gone. Because of that I made a promise to him that I would live a life he would be proud of, that I would do everything I could to make sure he'd continue to be proud of me.
So despite the fact that I feel like I'm chasing my tail most days, or that I feel like I'm just playing catch up or being reactive instead of proactive I know that I'm doing the best I can and that's all I can do. That's all any of us can do. If all you can do is change into clean pajamas for the day, or get out of bed to use the restroom, or listen to music there's nothing wrong with that. If you feel like you're not making any progress know that you are, you are inching your way to a better you. And if you move an inch every day for a year that's over 30 feet a year, that's something to be proud of. Be you, be proud of you, be proud of the small steps you take each day to be a better version of yourself and only measure that progress against yourself, not anyone else. Screw everyone else, the only person you need to compare yourself to is the you from yesterday.
You got this, I got this, we've all got this!!